Home for a week....

Saturday, November 24, 2012

I have been home now for a week.  Things are different.

My pain has definitely changed.  I know it is there, I can feel it.  However it is as if someone has hit the mute button over it.  It is just so incredible that I do not feel that I am being doused with gasoline and set afire.

I have been getting around mostly without my cane -- what a freeing feeling.
I have gained a lot more self-confidence.  I hate walking with a cane.  Being without it one step closer to being "normal"

For reasons I can not explain, my sleep has gotten worse - something I never thought I could say since it was so poor from the start.
I can no longer sleep for more that an hour and 1/2 at a time.  That is extremely frustrating.
And I will take the big assumption that this is the reason why I am extremely tired all day.

Now here is the difficult part of being back --- There is not much known about the Calmare treatment.  No doubt, I am having a wonderful, positive result.  However, the uncertainty of the therapy is making me wild.

It is so hard to be comfortable and happy with my reduced pain when I am constantly thinking of "is this going to last?' "how bad is it going to feel when the pain returns?" "when will that be?"
I used to shake my head and question how could people who found a treatment that helped (no matter what that therapy was) be negative.  I could not understand why those people were not jumping for joy at the idea of their pain being reduced.  I always said, I would be shouting from the rooftops and dancing until dawn when my pain became more bearable.  the idea of being pessimistic about being well seems ridiculous.
Unfortunately, I understand this now.

All I have know for 16 years is pain - extreme pain.  Now that it has diminished, it is almost too good to be true.  I want it to last - but I know it will not forever.  The uncertainty of that time frame can be maddening.

Here is the other tough part -- I feel as if everyone is watching me.  My children ask me constantly "are you good?" My friends call and want to know my status daily.  Family wants me to do daily check-ins.
Now, I realize all of this comes from people loving me and caring about my well-being.  It is so soothing knowing that I have so many people in my corner, rooting for me everyday.
The flip side is that I am getting stressed out answering my loved one's questions.  I will tell the members of my village "that I am doing well, and no I do not know when this will wear off."
I have been noticing that every time I have to answer these type of questions, my body starts to stiffen up.  Any good feeling I may have been experiencing certainly seems to then dissipate.  So, for now on - please do not take offense, but I going back to a standard, "I am doing well, thank you" 
Please know I so do appreciate everything you have done - from providing rides for my children, to just a "like" on my facebook status.  
I just want to try and make this treatment last as long as possible - 
I promise to give status updates.
You can still talk, chat, etc with me -- just let's not lead off with "how is your pain today?"

Have a great weekend.