Vacation time

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I have been home now for 2 1/2 weeks.  Still on a steady course - which is so wonderful.

These past couple have weeks have been like a Caribbean vacation.  You arrive at your tropical resort.  You see all the great new things the island has to offer that you generally can not do at home.  The food prepared by the local chefs tastes better, the lavish gardens contain exotic flowers, the plush towels in your guest room are so much softer than those at your home.  At the silky, sandy beach you slowly ease into the beautiful, crystal water.  It is a little cold, so you back out a bit, but then inch back in hesitantly and then swim off.  However, every so often while you are reading out by the pool, dark grey clouds roll in and a brief shower puts a damper on the day's activities.  From then on, you wonder each time you leave your room if the weather will hold out for you while on your excursion.  On the whole, you are enjoying your time, but the "what-if the weather ruins my plans?" thoughts are in the back of your mind.

I have been doing so well.  (I am almost scared to write this- I do not want to curse myself)  So many things that I have always done I feel as if I am experiencing for the first time.  My meals actually do taste better.  I have an appetite again.  I guess eating without a fire inside my body is enjoyable.  Hugs-- I know sounds strange.  What can be different about a hug?  Before a month ago, I would be scared of hugs.  People's touch on my body really did hurt.  But I never felt comfortable telling everyone -- don't touch me.  With each encounter I had I would try to prepare and almost brace myself for a hug.  My children's hugs feel like magic now.  I almost get chills.  Their touch brings me pleasure instead of pain.

The "Caribbean Storm" - I still cannot do it all.  (I know no one can)  What I mean is I have to really, really pace myself.  This is something I do not like doing.  When my pain level was extremely high, it was easier to pace. (I didn't like it, but it was blatantly obvious, so really there was no choice)  Now, the pain has subsided - it is like a day at the beach - and I can almost pretend to be "normal" I have to continue to keep stopping myself or I really wind up suffering.  The pain will return, my knee will swell, and becoming burning hot and change to a weird reddish-purplish color.  
If I go to the grocery store - well, that was my activity for the day.  No grocery shopping and then browsing the local Bed, Bath & Beyond.  If I did the result would that I come home, and it as if I can hardly walk.  I think in my head because the pain has subsided that I can do these silly things.  I forget - I still have RSD.  That has not disappeared and until we discover a cure it never will be out of my life.  So nowadays, as much as I do not want to admit it - my days are very carefully planned out.  One activity or outing a day - no more.  Last week, I was going to go to concert that began at 7 pm.  Knowing this, I spent the day quietly at home.  That is frustrating to me -- but if I do it this way, I get to go to the concert and really enjoy it.

I am SO VERY grateful for feeling as good as I do right now.  It is an amazing high to be able to walk without the feeling of a burning axe in my knee.

When those grey storm clouds are coming over me - I do not know.  But for now, I will enjoy my Mai-Tai and soak up the sun.